All of my thoughts

I take a last look at my dad's old Camry as it speeds down the road from the hostels to the university's main gate, and I take a deep breath, freedom is refreshing. I make my own decisions now, I am no longer forced to perform an act of kindness, I am not told how to behave, enormous trust has been placed in me, oh, the plans I have! And so, I make my decisions, I keep making them, until I'm stuck and cannot get out. Father is distraught, mother keeps praying and fasting, begging the devil to let me go, alternatively cursing at the devil and shouting at me. My aunt preaches a series on how you must keep your children from evil association : Monitor them! Uncle stops my cousins from visiting, he says demon possession is contagious. I am left alone to face my demons. I look for answers and find none, I am told I am beyond redemption and my mom tells the children this, every time "to be a Christian, to make heaven, be a godly child. " If only religion hadn't ...

So much, on me. The pressure is suffocating, I struggle to breathe, slow shallow pants, if I take a deep breath, I'll explode. My dad is a pastor, my mom, an evangelist, my Uncle, a bishop, my aunt, in the women's ministry, my whole family, religious. So, nothing less is expected of me. I have to be in every youth group, attend every church service and babysit all the children in church. I have to be the perfect example of a godly child. They don't care, they don't care that I do not want to attend Bible study or night vigil, they don't care that i do not want to give out my stuff or share my bedroom with children that pee on the blankets or adults that do not stop prying, they do not care that I do not want to have a birthday party in church or sing in the church choir, they do not care. They don't care that I want to listen to rap music, because 'the lines of Shakur are devilish', mother says, they don't care that I just want to have one weekend...